This story is a work of parody. Nothing written is factually correct. All persons mentioned gave permission for their names to be used and were shared a copy of this story to read and approve. 

Welp, it was bound to happen at some point. For decades, an unnamed raccoon has terrorized Jake Howell’s classroom, interrupting countless exams, lectures, and World Cup screenings. However, this story is not about the clearly intense academic workload in Jake Howell’s Sport Medicine classes. It is about an unexpected friendship between a hopeless mammal and a bearded, bespectacled AP Literature teacher. 

It was just another day in Howell’s room. That raccoon was chillin’ up in the ceiling munching on ceiling food, and all was good. Then, all of a sudden, the raccoon snapped. 

“That there raccoon channeled the ferocity of a certain bagpiper (you know the one). Then he LEAPED out a hole in the dang ceilin’, sprinted across the roof o’ the portable, and performed an Olympic leap onto the grass below!” said Blake Harris, former Indiana resident and Camas High School (CHS) senior. 

All this leaping and sprinting caused Mr. Raccoon to become quite energized, and although he enjoyed this fantastical burst of energy, he felt a bit of a break was needed.

So, Mr. Raccoon ventured into the halls of CHS. After a treacherous journey in which he faced freshmen and the band hallway, he finally arrived at his destination; a location that reeked of raccoon housing potential: Mr. Morgan’s classroom.

“As a former ceiling resident myself, I can confirm that Mr. Morgan’s walls and ceilings are top-notch raccoon housing space.” said senior Tara Hansen.

Assured by his ceiling comrade of the room’s housing capabilities, Mr. Raccoon trekked on. He was investigating the room intently for housing area when all of a sudden he was faced with a new foe: a bearded, bespectacled English teacher. What ensued was a cartoonish interaction in which both creatures screamed for their lives and hoped their mommies could save them. 

“I saw that there raccoon from my 2022 Kia K5 and I was shocked! He was over there havin’ what seemed to be some sort o’ old-fashioned cowboy standoff!” said Harris. 

After the conflict had resided and no mommies arrived, Mr. Raccoon noticed Mr. Morgan’s extensive Bob Dylan collection and, through a series of unintelligible hissing sounds, complimented the collection. 

“GeeeOW OW OW rrrrrUFF rrrrrUFF hissssss hee hee hee hissssss,” said Mr. Raccoon. 

Any normal person wouldn’t have been able to understand these noises, but Mr. Morgan’s experience as a cat wrangler rendered him quite capable of translating raccoon noises. 

Mr. Morgan, through a series of growling and squealing noises, thanked Mr. Raccoon for his thoughtful compliment.

“Skrr skrr grrrrrOW grrrrrOW EEK! EEK!” said Morgan. 

The two celebrated their shared interest by listening to some Bob Dylan, and soon enough they became close friends. How cute! This enchanting story of a helpless Raccoon and a bewildered AP Literature is truly a timeless masterpiece, and will surely be shared in classrooms for years to come.