This story is a work of parody. Nothing written is factually correct. All persons mentioned gave permission for their names to be used and were shared a copy of this story to read and approve. 

Camas High School (CHS) junior Finnegan Wood received a three-week suspension on April 12 for reportedly flooding the market with hundreds of counterfeit tickets for the Masquerade Prom.

Tickets for the Masquerade Prom, which is scheduled for April 29 at the Portland Art Museum, went on sale on April 11 for $40 a ticket. Within less than 24 hours, staff and students noticed a gross influx of tickets littered throughout the school, which Wood was reportedly selling to his classmates at $45 each, which he quickly lowered to free once he experienced difficulty flipping his counterfeits. 

“I’m shocked, really. It’s always the person you least expect… I always thought Finn would end up in jail, so now I really don’t know what to think… I guess it’s just one of those things,” said junior Cole Meyer, a longtime friend of Wood. 

Tristan Wells, Wood’s teacher first reported suspicious behavior following an incident in which Wood allegedly became confrontational with a classmate during an attempted ticket transaction. 

“I noticed a commotion Finn was causing while class was working silently, but I didn’t stop it at first just because it seemed no different from any other distraction he causes. Eventually, Finn started talking a lot more quietly, very out of the ordinary, so I went over to see what was happening.” Wells said. 

“Finn walks over to me and asks me if I wanted to buy a ticket for prom. I told him no because I’d already bought one yesterday for $5 less than he was charging me, and the ticket he showed me had purple crayon crossed over the words he misspelled. After I declined, he went on a tangent about the golden rule and said ‘I would do the same for you man, just help me out man,’” said classmate Aarav Shah. “Each time he asked, he’d get closer and closer and whisper strange, idle threats. It made me very uncomfortable.” Shah said.

The write-up was deemed cause for a search warrant on Wood’s locker, which was found with a paper sign which read “keep out!!!”. 

Upon the investigation’s conclusion, over 1400 copies were found in Wood’s locker, as well as a document titled “Secret Hustling Inventory Log.” 

Hundreds of tickets were also found in various trash and recycling receptacles on campus, which the investigation suggested was caused when Wood stopped attempting to sell the copies and started to hand them out for free to students who had no need for invalid tickets.  

While standard protocol for disciplinary action against minors at school is designed to grant anonymity in order to protect the students, Wood interestingly waived this right in favor of his wish to propel his case into the public eye. 

“A lot of revolutionaries were unpopular during their time,” Wood said. “I can see why they’re trying to slander me like this. I’m living proof that you don’t have to do well in your classes to be a success, and I think that frightens them.”

Additionally, Wood was advised to refrain from speaking with the Camasonian, but insisted on answering questions in order to assert his innocence.

“Originally, I just wanted to buy a bunch and scalp them, but then it came to me. It was almost like an epiphany telling me I could actually make the most bank if I printed fakes for free and gouged the prices,” said Wood.